Principles of Forgiveness
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Some of the information in this
Special Report is from "Choosing Forgiveness" by John & Paula Sandford and
Lee Bowman.
The very first thing we want to say about
forgiveness is that IT IS NOT EASY when there has been serious emotional,
physical, or spiritual wounding. As we look at the principle of forgiveness,
remember that God loves you and is on your side.
The following is a recommended
prayer that may help you.
Dear Lord,
Forgiveness isn't easy. I've made so many choices to
forgive, and just about the time I think I've finally achieved forgiveness,
something happens to upset me again. How long is it going to take?
You said I would have to walk in a moment-by-moment discipline of forgiveness
before it could become a way of life for me. But I'm discouraged, especially
when I don't see any real change in the people I'm forgiving.
Oh, oh! I'm sorry Lord. I'm rehearsing my negative feelings again. And forgiving
others isn't supposed to change them. it changes me.
Soften my heart. Enable me to receive Your grace and healing in such a way that
my heart's desire to extend Your quality of grace and love to others for their
sake, not just mine.
And thanks for the reminder, Lord, that You have forgiven me again and again
although I haven't done anything to deserve it.
Amen
Love and Forgiveness
Many people are reluctant to take the
first step of choosing to forgive, believing that if they follow the path of
forgiveness they will become weaklings who are consistently taken advantage of
by others. This is not what forgiveness, grounded in love, is about. True love
encourages a compassionate willingness to forgive, yet retains the strength of
conviction that all parties must be fully accountable of their own decisions and
behavior. Forgiveness grounded in true love is not a soft and naive yielding
that excuses almost any kind of abuse people might direct at us. Note: Forgiveness is not based upon if the person
deserves forgiveness. None of us deserve forgiveness.
Making the Choice to
Forgive
We can communicate with those who offended us and
forgive them, or we can hold on to their wrongful behavior and walk in
unforgiveness, resentment, and bitterness.
A life of unforgiveness is a life of bitterness
and torment. It is a life of bondage to addictions and compulsive behaviors with
the hope of alleviating constant emotional stress. It is a life of unrest.
Healing in our life starts by identifying those
who have offended us and choosing to grant them forgiveness. By giving
forgiveness you will receive forgiveness. We need to ask God to forgive us for
living in resentment and allowing our hearts to be hardened. We must ask
forgiveness from those whom we have defiled by our own bitterness.
Confession, exposure, openness, and transparency
with others you trust can bring greater healing than you can ever achieve alone.
Find a friend, minister, or counselor to help walk you through the process of
forgiveness.
Facing Truth and Reality
The difficult thing about forgiveness is that we often
think we have forgiven when in reality we have not. We give lip service to
having forgiven, but then we harbor grudges in our heart. Most of us labor under
the difficulty of really letting go of our hurts. In fact we sometimes seem
quite proud of our grudges. As long as we are determined to play the 'tapes of
abuse' we will be bound by the bondage of unforgiveness.
The Foolishness of Unforgiveness
The foolishness of unforgiveness is that we empower others who have harmed
us to determine our inner peace. The person may be dead or may not have been in
our life for years and yet we still allow them to wound us by replaying the
tapes. We somehow believe that by holding grudges and bitterness we are harming
the individual who has violated us. Instead we experience unrest, bondage to
addictions, and even poor health while the individual may be enjoying their
life. By holding unto unforgiveness, we put ourselves in a situation where God
is not able to forgive us.
The Power of Forgiveness
The following is a true story.
A woman was jogging through a park to get home after visiting a friend. While
jogging a man approached the woman and raped her in the park. After being raped
she started walking on the nearby highway to get help. A car approached her and
she waived down the driver. The rapist proceeded to rape the woman again. This
is a horrific story, but listen to the rest of the story. After the woman was
treated at the hospital a counselor spoke with the woman. The counselor told the
woman that they had something that is hard to share with the woman. They told
her that at some point in her life she will need to forgive the rapist in order
for her to have inner peace. Listen to the words of the rape victim. "The rapist
stole a part of my life from me today. I have already chosen to forgive him so
that he has no ability to rob any more of my life from me". That is the power of
forgiveness-the ability to live beyond whatever has happened to us. By forgiving
the rapist the woman was not saying what he did was ok. She would still testify
in court for him to be convicted of assault and rape. What she was saying by her
forgiveness is the evil man would not have control over her future.
Forgiveness Test
1. Does remembering a particular hurtful event trigger
a strong emotional reaction?
If thinking about a hurtful situation causes strong
negative emotions or even physical shuddering, that suggests forgiveness is not
complete. The hurt is still alive.
2. Does the stress of remembering
hurtful events trigger physical reactions or discomfort?
If remembering hurtful situations results in physical
symptoms, then unforgiven issues most likely remain lodged in the heart and
spirit.
3. Does the painful experience bring to
mind anything for which God can be praised?
We often deliver misdirected blame towards God when we
think what happened to us was unfair. We need to be honest by confessing to God
our anger against Him. Of course God is not guilty of anything, and He is not in
need of forgiveness. Our anger and unforgiveness are our own. When unforgiveness
is lodged in the heart, it is difficult to see any way God may be using the
situation to bring blessing or to write wisdom to us. Afterwards, when we have
achieved forgiveness, we can verbalize lessons learned and thank God for
bringing us through painful experiences with a positive outcome.
The importance of forgiving ourselves.
We characteristically have the most difficulty with
others when our relationship with them triggers issues for which we have not
forgiven ourselves. Usually, weakness we see and criticize in others (and find
most difficult to accept or forgive) are those things about which we have not
forgiven ourselves, or in which we most fear being deficient. Look at what
angers you in others. Letting go of our denial and facing the truth about
ourselves is a fearful step.
Steps to achieving forgiveness
1. Honestly desire to become free of
the burden of unforgiveness and prepare to forgive.
2. Sit down with a fair-minded counselor or friend and talk over the situation
that requires forgiveness.
3. Pray specifically about the person or situation that is the focus of a
forgiveness issue.
4. Seek reconciliation when feasible
Forgiveness is not ignoring the wrong
Forgiveness does not mean looking the other
way as if hurts and injustices have not happened. We cannot deny evil or even
try to tolerate it without confrontation. In Lewis Smedes book Forgive and
Forget he states: "There is no real forgiveness unless there is first
relentless exposure and honest judgment. When we forgive evil, we do not excuse
it, we do not tolerate it. We look evil full in the face, call it what it is,
let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it."
There is a false concept that if there is true
forgiveness then we will forget the wrong. This is not feasible or healthy. The
key is to be healed in such a way that we can remember the event but it does not
have power over us. That is a powerful way of living. Also, if we were to forget
the wrong, we would not gain wisdom and would put ourselves in harm's way all
over again.
Forgiveness as a Lifestyle
What typically happens when we experience a hurt, is we attempt to handle
the need to forgive by simply repressing our feelings. Or, we attempt to deal
with serious matters of the heart by handling them mentally. Feelings are thus
denied, rationalized away, or simply shoved down inside. The most healthy
thing we can do is to honestly admit feelings and seek a way to constructively
remove those painful barbs through forgiveness. It is helpful if we do "flash
prayers"–instant turnings to God for immediate morsels of understanding,
guidance, courage, wisdom, and release.
YOU CAN FORGIVE
You may feel like you are not capable of forgiving someone. This is partially
true. You are right that you may not be capable of forgiving someone. However
with God's help and the help of others you can walk in forgiveness. How about
writing down on a piece of paper all those who you need to forgive. Ask God to
give you the ability to walk through the process of forgiving each person. Be
sure to put your name as the first person to forgive. Until we forgive
ourselves, we cannot forgive others.
Read our Special Report on Forgiveness and Disordered Eating.
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